February 28, 2017 § Leave a comment
Second day of school has passed, and it was definitely better than the first. Went for a run with Shaun under the blazing 27 C Tassie sun at 4pm (sun sets at 8pm now), which could explain why my brain is pretty fried now from all that heat. But I just wanna take this moment to appreciate the end of this day because it was a good one.
February 7, 2017 § Leave a comment
I think I grew up with constant fear instilled in me. When I was still on fours or even after learning to walk on twos, I cried my way to primary school. I cried on birthdays, on school excursions, on Friday night outs with Dad. I wouldn’t say that I cry because I’m sad, but I cry because of this perpetual fear residing around and within me, like an imaginary friend I grew too comfortable with. Fear of what you ask? Anything literally. Fear for me comes in a few forms— doubt, hopelessness, cynicism, disbelief, reluctance, and lack of faith.
I think this is it, but I can’t be certain because I’ve only come to this realization recently after Sunday’s service, and I have yet to clarify my thoughts with anyone, and I don’t think I can until I figure out how and when to, or whether there’s even a need to. Fear is probably a constant struggle I face, a stigma that lies just beneath my conscious being, silently controlling my every outcome of thoughts and actions. It’s like a blind practice running in my mind until it gains involuntary control, where I fear as I breathe. I get so comfortable feeling fearful every time, until it becomes an innate part of me. The one thing that I should be doubting and questioning, instead of everything else, is you my fear.
I wish it was that easy to not be afraid, sometimes I don’t even realize that I am. And needless to say, when I came to know God, I feared Him too. Did I say yes to God out of fear? And not because I was touched by His love through Jesus Christ? If I can’t figure out why I believe in God—because of fear or love—my faith in Him would cease to exist. And same goes for every other belief that I hold on to in my life. And I won’t be ale to love fully and wholly, because I can’t differentiate fear from love, and vice versa. I fear that because of this, I will harm the people whom I thought I was loving, but end up causing them the grief and pain that they don’t deserve.
I really like this person now, and I have so much to share with him, but I keep holding back, for I fear what’s to come if one day fear decides to disguise as love and I am no Sherlock to solve the mystery before its too late. I try not to think, as fear is a form of thought, but then I end up losing myself, and regretting so much afterwards.
But I guess they say the first step to solving a problem is admitting that you have one yeah? It’s all in the head, already diseased all over the sanity of my mind. Its making me dysfunctional, I feel so impeded by myself. Turning fear into faith, I know I can’t do it alone, it not I would have long ago. I’m sorry, to God, to myself, and to many more.