To 2017, from 2016. Moments between minutes #4
January 3, 2017 § Leave a comment
This moment was meant to be pondered over somewhere between the school break and before the end of the year 2016, but I guess it took more than a moment.. but here goes:
To be honest, so much has happened in so little time, and I’d never allowed myself to truly settle, pause and reflect on a day’s affair. Looking back now, I find it oddly harsh and insincere towards myself. I tend to resonate with myself, and I associate reflection as a form of overthinking, which I was cautiously avoiding at all costs as I was away from home, and overthinking would only trigger more insecurities and uncertainties that I would have to face alone. But when I occasionally get caught up in the rip tide, all I could do was pray and hope that it ends before reality greets me at the front door.
Here’s a few moments in 2016 where I found it defining, and some has revealed a few pieces of me that I, either didn’t know was part of me, or took a long time to accept that it was a defining part of me.
- I’ve come to accept the fact that I’m extremely untenable. My mom was right, I’m gullible and gets easily influenced. I use to think that I was being “adaptive”, to not want to be obstinate or 100% certain about one thing, just in case it doesn’t suit my beliefs or core values. However the irony in this deceptive trait of mine—what are my true beliefs and principles if I’m constantly changing them? It has come to my realisation as I spoke to more people about the important things in life (or what I deemed important)—family, religion, career, and relationships. I dare not use the L word. I question about a certain topic with my preconception notion about it, or what seemed to have been a rain bucket full of droplets of opinions that I’ve heard, but none of my own. After listening to what others have to say about it, I would ask in my head: What made them so sure about what they are sure of?
- I really do overthink. Looking back at the decisions I’ve struggled to make and the outcome of the whole situation, it wasn’t as bad as how I played it out to be in my head. Take going to Uni for example, I applied and withdrew and applied again. Who has time for that! Apparently I did. When I had 3 days to decide on my major, the world literally stopped for me as I was at war inside my head to weigh out the pros and cons of each major, and deciding on whats best for me. As if I know whats best for me now. All I had to do was to choose the one I like, but I had to like everything. I ended up choosing fisheries management after speaking to James, which brings me back to point a. did I choose this major because of James’ great conviction about fishery biology or was it just me? Anyway, one semester is down and I did enjoy all my modules, especially and surprisingly: Economics and Quantitative Methods, which were the 2 modules that I was panicking about before it began. What can I say… I surprise myself a lot!
- I’m not good at commitment. I needed to experience a lot and stumble a lot more to accept this part of me, that I’m not proud of one bit. I mean, so far none of the things I’ve discovered about myself have given me a sense of gratitude. Especially when it comes to relationships, I have hurt more than I have loved. I always mentally shrug at the thought of commitment, how my freedom would be withheld, how accountability was going to affect me. Basically I’m immature, period. And yet I thought he was always the less sensible one. But I realise I can’t fight love with logic, because it doesn’t reason with common sense. The more I question about the way it works, the way it consumes, the way it provides, I would never get experience the greatness of it. I guess this is also a result of being untenable and not fully trusting in him. What I thought love should be or will be, is never what it’s going to be. Que sera sera.
- I could be the reason why my family is not as close knitted as they should be. Being the overthinker, I had to stop every trivial bickering that was going on, even when it didn’t involve me. I would question my mom and dad why, and though I now know they knew why, they couldn’t express it in the best way they could at that time. And I guess I always took it the wrong way. I was definitely over-sensitive when I was desperately trying not to be. As I’ve starred in the mirror and looked at my flaws for a long while, I saw it in my brother just this morning and I realise that it’s the biggest mistake I’ve made to every go against my parents. I disgustingly remember the times I swore that I never want to be like my parents when I grow up, but I could not be more wrong. My parents made so many mistakes in their life time, and they are the only ones who care enough to tell me how to avoid if possible, and how to overcome it if going through was the only way. The kind teachings I learnt from them is not one you can find in a parenting book, but it has been a arduous journey of struggles and success to preach what they preach today.
So I guess the resolutions for 2017 would be to just embrace and work on ‘newly’ discovered parts of myself. As of now, they look more like flaws to me but I think they are like wildflowers, and they are not up to my control to eradicate or change it, and I’ll let them bloom without impediment, on the ground of my soul and on the face of my character. You made me in Your image, and would stay that way till the end of my time. Hopefully this year I learn to trust more, in the Lord, in my family, and the ones who care. More faith, less doubt. To not be afraid and love with the risk of loss. To stumble, pick myself up and stumble again. Your work in my life is truly amazing, and I wish for more in 2017.