January 31, 2017 § Leave a comment
Today is 初三 of Chinese new year, and probably the last day of visitation I’ll be doing. It’s been a fruitful harvest of blessings and greetings from my circle of family and friends, old and new. I’m glad that I’m home today, and not in Tassie where I thought it would be. A video was played during the festive service which ended with a quote
Traditions don’t form family, family forms traditions.
It spoke to me as irregardless of backgrounds or differences, people united by love and kinship can produce their own unique traditions to adhere to, to honour the family forever.
Family is my resolution this year, the year after, and years following after. I love you my family.
January 26, 2017 § Leave a comment
Within a month’s time I’ll be heading back to school in Tassie for the second semester, and the upcoming units pretty much constitutes the jizz of my course — Oceanography, Aquatic Biology A, Introduction to Conservation and Fisheries Management— pretty eggciting stuff!
The past few days at work on St John’s, I’ve been surprisingly attentive towards world news as I tuned in to the BBC World Service radio station while visually glued to the stereoscope as I sort the deep sea meiofauna specimens. News about the Trump administration, trade policies, civil wars, stock exchange, business models, and some personal accounts were aired. Amid the news there was one of Barack Obama giving a speech at Morehouse college and he called out of one the graduates named Frederick Anderson, who was tirelessly coping with studies and making ends meet with the coming of his new family.
Amongst the failures and struggles, he said: “I never really allowed myself to be sad. It was just another opportunity to find another course of action.’
Mr Obama was using him as an exemplary model of a man, excelling in all aspects of life. And I thought to myself, wow. Every time I fall, I seem to make a big deal out of it. Yes I want to learn from my mistakes, but from this it made me realise that crying over spilled milk is useless and redundant. I could have use the time to move on, instead of stressing out on the what ifs and how it would change the unchangeable.
When I noted this quote down on my phone pad a few days ago, I missed out the origin of it and when I passed by it again this morning as I was penning down another quote, I was trying so hard to recall where I got it from. It could have been from anywhere, but my half-demented brain gave up and decided to deal with it when I’m more awake. Then, out of all news BBC replayed Obama’s speech including the account of Frederick and I immediately retrieve the recent file I almost tossed out from my mind.
Was it meant to be or it just happened to be? To believe that it just happened to be would give me a really inaccurate estimation of luck I’m gonna be getting this year. The probability of them replaying any news (I’ve never heard any same news twice on different days) was zero for me, let alone replaying D news I needed to hear. To believe that it was meant to be would be much easier, as I would hand it all to fate and simply be thankful. But why? Okay I’m just gonna leave it at that.
I’ve been reading a book called Enemies of Science and this,I feel is total fate to have crossed paths and pay RM 10 for this book of debate between the author and the fictions of Science. I can relate so much to it and he has the same puzzling questions about beliefs as I do. It was comforting to know that I was not alone, all in my mind. But the book isn’t an answer, or so I feel it isn’t despite not anywhere nearing the end of the book. Because if there is, it would have been replaced with the bible. I’ll try to write review the book as much using my own words, which would be a good practice to abstain from plagiarism.
Oh and I had a wonderful date on Sunday, with Shaun. We had the (paid) privilege to listen to Thomas P Peschak on his personal account of his journey, from his childhood to being a underwater photojournalist for Nat Geo, renowned for his impactful media of the oceans and its inhabitants, alongside with the culprits of their dwindling numbers. He described himself as a hopeless optimist, as part what he does, he has to shoot tons of ugly shots to get a slight above average one, and he has to be playing with death (head bumping hungry sharks, getting thrown under a whale, being in pitch black waters) to get a Nat Geo worthy shot. Shaun really enjoyed it and if Shaun had a chance at it, I bet he’d be good at being hopelessly optimistic too, for the things he love.
And whenever he holds my hand, I stop thinking. I need to work on that error 404.
January 25, 2017 § Leave a comment
Even till this day, I still struggle figuring out which correct spelling of diary or dairy is the vegan illustration of your penny full of thoughts. This shows that I haven’t been writing. I used to do it everyday when I was 7, about anything and everything. Mom said it was important to have a diary, to remember before its forgotten.
In this era of too little time, I seldom reflect on a day’s affair properly. And even if I do, it’s in my head and my head can only house that much thoughts. And 5 days later I get frustrated with myself for not penning down my thoughts. My inertia of diarying has taken its toll on me as I fail to remember the moments I wish to remember.
Now that I’m studying abroad, and I’ll be alone, I should have no excuses. No excuses! I hope I don’t let myself down again, just as how I did by not logging my past adventures. I’ve been considerably many places and done loads of things I’d never thought I do. I guess it’s never too late since I still remember. Bits and pieces of it.
However there are just some things that I’m not ready to share on this platform, even though no one knows of pliablelia’s existence. That’s my dilemma. The fact that I’ll be penning down my inner most thoughts still scares me, to the core. What should I do?
January 3, 2017 § Leave a comment
This moment was meant to be pondered over somewhere between the school break and before the end of the year 2016, but I guess it took more than a moment.. but here goes:
To be honest, so much has happened in so little time, and I’d never allowed myself to truly settle, pause and reflect on a day’s affair. Looking back now, I find it oddly harsh and insincere towards myself. I tend to resonate with myself, and I associate reflection as a form of overthinking, which I was cautiously avoiding at all costs as I was away from home, and overthinking would only trigger more insecurities and uncertainties that I would have to face alone. But when I occasionally get caught up in the rip tide, all I could do was pray and hope that it ends before reality greets me at the front door.
Here’s a few moments in 2016 where I found it defining, and some has revealed a few pieces of me that I, either didn’t know was part of me, or took a long time to accept that it was a defining part of me.
- I’ve come to accept the fact that I’m extremely untenable. My mom was right, I’m gullible and gets easily influenced. I use to think that I was being “adaptive”, to not want to be obstinate or 100% certain about one thing, just in case it doesn’t suit my beliefs or core values. However the irony in this deceptive trait of mine—what are my true beliefs and principles if I’m constantly changing them? It has come to my realisation as I spoke to more people about the important things in life (or what I deemed important)—family, religion, career, and relationships. I dare not use the L word. I question about a certain topic with my preconception notion about it, or what seemed to have been a rain bucket full of droplets of opinions that I’ve heard, but none of my own. After listening to what others have to say about it, I would ask in my head: What made them so sure about what they are sure of?
- I really do overthink. Looking back at the decisions I’ve struggled to make and the outcome of the whole situation, it wasn’t as bad as how I played it out to be in my head. Take going to Uni for example, I applied and withdrew and applied again. Who has time for that! Apparently I did. When I had 3 days to decide on my major, the world literally stopped for me as I was at war inside my head to weigh out the pros and cons of each major, and deciding on whats best for me. As if I know whats best for me now. All I had to do was to choose the one I like, but I had to like everything. I ended up choosing fisheries management after speaking to James, which brings me back to point a. did I choose this major because of James’ great conviction about fishery biology or was it just me? Anyway, one semester is down and I did enjoy all my modules, especially and surprisingly: Economics and Quantitative Methods, which were the 2 modules that I was panicking about before it began. What can I say… I surprise myself a lot!
- I’m not good at commitment. I needed to experience a lot and stumble a lot more to accept this part of me, that I’m not proud of one bit. I mean, so far none of the things I’ve discovered about myself have given me a sense of gratitude. Especially when it comes to relationships, I have hurt more than I have loved. I always mentally shrug at the thought of commitment, how my freedom would be withheld, how accountability was going to affect me. Basically I’m immature, period. And yet I thought he was always the less sensible one. But I realise I can’t fight love with logic, because it doesn’t reason with common sense. The more I question about the way it works, the way it consumes, the way it provides, I would never get experience the greatness of it. I guess this is also a result of being untenable and not fully trusting in him. What I thought love should be or will be, is never what it’s going to be. Que sera sera.
- I could be the reason why my family is not as close knitted as they should be. Being the overthinker, I had to stop every trivial bickering that was going on, even when it didn’t involve me. I would question my mom and dad why, and though I now know they knew why, they couldn’t express it in the best way they could at that time. And I guess I always took it the wrong way. I was definitely over-sensitive when I was desperately trying not to be. As I’ve starred in the mirror and looked at my flaws for a long while, I saw it in my brother just this morning and I realise that it’s the biggest mistake I’ve made to every go against my parents. I disgustingly remember the times I swore that I never want to be like my parents when I grow up, but I could not be more wrong. My parents made so many mistakes in their life time, and they are the only ones who care enough to tell me how to avoid if possible, and how to overcome it if going through was the only way. The kind teachings I learnt from them is not one you can find in a parenting book, but it has been a arduous journey of struggles and success to preach what they preach today.
So I guess the resolutions for 2017 would be to just embrace and work on ‘newly’ discovered parts of myself. As of now, they look more like flaws to me but I think they are like wildflowers, and they are not up to my control to eradicate or change it, and I’ll let them bloom without impediment, on the ground of my soul and on the face of my character. You made me in Your image, and would stay that way till the end of my time. Hopefully this year I learn to trust more, in the Lord, in my family, and the ones who care. More faith, less doubt. To not be afraid and love with the risk of loss. To stumble, pick myself up and stumble again. Your work in my life is truly amazing, and I wish for more in 2017.
January 2, 2017 § Leave a comment
This is me fossilizing our moments
I lay my tracks down and lead you to be found
The future would find us thousands off stromatolites under
Side to side, arm to arm
Hands interlocked, faces unharmed
They will clay us both
Preserve and make the story be told
In a museum of ancient moments
No one would know